I used to be a fairly negative person. I think I was for most of my life until I hit my 40’s. It really got bad when I learned about Facebook. I didn’t even know social media existed for a very long time. But that’s a post about abuse for another day. Something would happen… let’s say I would stub my toe, and then I would drop something, followed by something else. A lot of little things that really should not have affected how my day would go. However, they did. I found myself saying things like “REALLY??” “WHY ME?” “SERIOUSLY, WHAT NEXT?” I got caught in this cycle of only seeing the things that were going wrong in my life. For the span of about 5 or 6 years it was really bad. Everything during that time was terrible, everything that could go wrong, went wrong.  I fell in to the bad habit of posting about these things on social media… because… why wouldn’t I? That’s what we do right? Something happens in our lives and it immediately becomes a status update good or bad.  I’m not saying that I shouldn’t be real about what is going on in my life.  There is a difference between being tired and overwhelmed and needing to maybe vent for a minute… and only seeing what is terrible happening in my life. It was genuinely hard for me to see the good things happening, when I was so consumed with negativity.  One day I posted a status update. I don’t remember what it said, but I had someone I’ve known for decades, message me and say, “Ang, surely you can find something in your life that is good, it can’t all be bad.” He totally called me out, and I was so angry. I waited a day, because I was livid and then I wrote back to him, and I told him what I was going through. I tried to justify my total circle of negativity.  He was nice enough about it and he let it go. That was a turning point for me. I realized I needed an outlet for what I was feeling and going through as a caregiver to my then husband and I also realized I needed to change how I thought about things. 

Even when things are going wrong in my life, I can still see the good. I can still recognize and be grateful for every blessing.  None of this happened overnight.  It takes time to rewire our brains.  I mean seriously, it’s a process.  It started with me one night being late for work. The car that I had to drive at that time was a piece of junk that felt like it was going to fall apart any day. I felt every bump when I drove it.  This one particular night I left late… as I did most nights.  My kids were still young, I needed to make sure they were fed or at least knew what they were eating for dinner before I left. Their dad was sitting in his usual spot in our garage smoking, and had already taken the pain meds he was on.  I hated working nights and leaving my kids. I left for work, I had 23 minutes to get there, it was a 25-minute commute on a good day.  I was flying down the road and I remember on this particular night it literally felt like my tires were not on the road… I felt nothing. I just remember thinking how weird that was. I remember looking at my clock when I got to my exit and knew I had 5 minutes to be there… no problem. Just enough time to park, run into the building, and clock in at the last second.  I didn’t look at the time again I just focused on getting there.  I got to work and just as I hit the bump going into the parking lot, my car died. Like shut off it was done…died. I coasted and then had to physically push it with the door open and steer at the same time… by myself… to get it into a parking spot.  I called my then husband… because I was now stuck at work. My shift didn’t even end until 2:30 in the morning. He was literally no help at all. He couldn’t come out there, he couldn’t even drive by this point in the evening. By this time clearly, I was late… really late. There was no possible way I wasn’t. I was probably going to be fired. I called my mom.  She told me she would bring her car out to me with my brother. I got everything worked out and I walked into work. When I got inside, I looked at the clock to see how late I was… I still had 5 minutes to clock in.  I don’t know how… I mean I really don’t. But I immediately said a prayer and thanked God.  I didn’t care at that moment that I had no clue what to do about a car, that I wasn’t able to afford another. I didn’t care that my husband wouldn’t/ couldn’t save me.  I was so full of gratitude for unbelievably being on time, for still having a job, for having a mom and brother that were willing to drop whatever they were doing and bring a car to me. From that day on, I searched for the good things. I made a point to start noticing everything around me.  From that day forward my brain slowly started making a shift. Am a perfect? Well no. Do I still have times that I say…. Seriously, what the actual heck? Recently actually.  I’m job hunting and at the moment I can’t seem to find what I want.  The reality is I’m fine. I’m grateful for everyday that I get up. I’m grateful to have opportunities like this to maybe inspire someone.  I’m searching for other things to do.  Things will work out because… I just know they will. Gratitude isn’t thinking that everything is fine all the time. It isn’t pretending that everything is always ok.  It’s seeing that even when there are things going wrong in your life, there is always something to be grateful for.  It helps you to handle things better when everything feels like it’s going wrong.  What am I grateful for today? My sunflowers that I can see out of the window as I write this, the sun shining and blue sky.  All the little things.  Maybe that sounds silly.  Try it. What are you grateful for today?