Part 2. Chaz

My life is incredible. That describes life after meeting Angela in 2016 and getting married in 2018. Life before Angela was not incredible. In fact, it had been filled with depression, abuse, addiction and mostly void of love. The depression I speak of came from being brought up in a home where my father was an alcoholic.  And despite having a loving Mother, that wasn’t enough to overcome the emotional abuse which would affect me well into adult life.  There are pleasant memories from childhood, but for the most part I grew up hating myself and believing I was essentially worthless.  

Those feelings of inadequacy led me to believe that having a girlfriend would provide the love I lacked, fill the void of despair and fix anything that was wrong with me. It was that skewed perception of a relationship that convinced me to marry a girl I had met as a senior in high school and subsequently gotten pregnant only a month after meeting. The marriage was doomed from the start as my teen bride had some severe psychological issues that manifested within a very short time after we began dating. Unfortunately, it would take her trying to kill me to leave the marriage. There had never been any real love between the two of us, but my lack of self-love kept me in a relationship I should have never entered in the first place. 

The combination of my childhood trauma and the trauma of my first marriage led me down a path filled with multiple other relationships that I had no business being a part of.  Along with the dysfunctional relationships, I had difficulties remaining in any particular job. In my teenage years I had dreamed of going to college, but my lack of confidence, along with depression, lack of money and stress never allowed me to pursue my passions. 

In January of 1993 my father died at age 61 due to alcohol induced illness. That summer I met a woman who I would end up dating, breaking up with, dating, breaking up with, marrying, divorcing, marrying and ultimately divorcing again. Our first time being married happened in 1995 and lasted less than 3 years. The second time occurred in 2000 and somehow lasted 15 years. During those years my life was consumed by a relationship that would be filled with contempt and constant arguing. In 15 years I moved 8 times, changed jobs frequently and became addicted to pain killers (as did my former spouse). 

Just when it seemed that I couldn’t sink any lower, it did. In April of 2016 I turned 50. Some people turn 50 and can reflect on their accomplishments. For some they’ve reached a pinnacle in their careers, for others they witness their children grow and subsequently become grandparents. For me it was a time to merely reflect on what a loser I was. There wasn’t any aspect of my life that brought me joy and sometimes it seemed that living wasn’t really worth it. 

Perhaps reaching that low point in life was the catalyst for change I needed. In August of 2016 I went on a lunch date with a woman who would literally change the course of my life. I had met this woman via Instagram. Her page was filled with images of flowers and other landscape, interspersed with photos of her children and herself.  The nature photographs were beautiful, but more than that, the photographs of her were stunning. I had ‘liked’ her photos as well as left the occasional comment. Then one day I took the bold move and sent her a DM. The conversations were never intended to be a means of flirting, or trying to date, but somehow that’s the direction it went. Talking to her was easy and it seemed as if we had known one another for years. Soon we were talking on the phone and decided we should meet. 

There are moments in our life when we know something momentous is about to occur. We may not know how or why, but we intuitively know that an event will forever change everything. That is exactly how I felt the day before our date. After numerous chats and phone calls I had already had loving feelings towards this woman. The skeptic in me said that you can’t fall in love with someone you’ve never met, but the romantic in me said otherwise.  

It was hot that August day and to boot I was extremely nervous. As I sat in the restaurant waiting for my date to arrive all I could think is “I’ve got to stop sweating”.  Just then, Angela walked in and with a glance of her beautiful blue eyes and dazzling smile, my love for her was confirmed.