Our back stories…the condensed versions

Part 1. Angela

Growing up people always referred to me as shy… To be fair I have a hard time meeting people, but I am actually not shy at all. I am an introvert. I love having deep conversations. I am quiet…and around some people, I can be loud. I spend a lot of time in my head surrounded by a million different thoughts.  I grew up with a terrible self-esteem, and to be honest, I still struggle with this occasionally.

I was setup on a blind date (because I never dated…like ever), when I was 24 with the man who would turn out to be my first husband. We dated for about 2 months before I got pregnant. It happened the first time we had sex… it was terrible and painful.  I remember thinking as I drove home… Why did I do that? I married him, because I didn’t want to raise a child alone…and truthfully, I thought so little of myself, I didn’t think anyone else would ever want me.  We spent 19 years together.  He had a 2-year-old little boy, with beautiful, big brown eyes, when we met that I later adopted, and love with all my heart. We also had 3 beautiful children together.  It turns out he was an alcoholic, an addict and abusive. It took a long time for me to stop making excuses for all those things. I took care of him until the day he died.  For the last few years of his life, I became a person who was easily provoked to anger because I was taking care of a man that nobody would help me with. We knew he was sick and slowly going downhill…we knew it for 8 very long years. I felt trapped and alone, and for a very long time I hated everything. I would work the graveyard shift, anywhere from 8-12 hours, and come home to take him to multiple appointments every week. I slept anywhere from 2 to 4 hours sometimes less, sometimes not at all, because that is just how it was. I hated the person I became. I was angry (and tired) all the time. Then one year towards the end of his life, I started taking moments here and there for myself. I bought a camera and started taking pictures. I would drive to a pond that was near my home and take pictures of ducks, and geese, and pelicans…I didn’t even know pelicans existed in Utah, before then.  I started noticing all the little things around me. I took pictures of flowers, trees, sunsets, clouds the mountains…everything I could in nature.  I started finding myself, through these short outings I started finding peace. It was just what I needed.

One day, shortly after he passed away, I was sitting in my room on the edge of my bed. I remember the weight of all those years, just pushing me down and I was crying.  As I sat there it almost felt like somebody came up and took the weight off my shoulders, and I physically felt it leave. I didn’t know it was something that could actually be felt… but I did. After that day, I let go of the me that I held onto for years to get me through those tough times, and I started embracing the new me. The me that craved peace, that focused on gratitude, that made myself a priority. I wasn’t looking to jump into another serious relationship. I was walking a path that I was fine being on by myself. I liked the new me. I liked feeling free. I met Chaz 4 months after my first husband passed away.  I know…only 4 months…well, you’ll get it as I write more. He kind of came out of nowhere messaging me on Instagram that he liked my pictures.  We just started messaging back and forth. I really liked talking to him and we realized we only lived 40 minutes away from each other. We met for lunch one day, just to talk. I knew that day, I wanted him in my life forever. He was kind, and comfortable, and handsome.  He was the complete opposite of the men I was normally attracted to, at least I thought I was attracted to. Sitting near him made me calm. Sitting near him and talking to him felt like the most natural thing I have ever experienced. We moved in together 4 months later, and a year and two months after that we got married. He is the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate. I love him unconditionally. I can look into his eyes forever and know that I am loved.  We can talk for hours and days about everything and anything. We are very much alike, and we have our differences. He has his strengths and I have mine, and we support each other in developing and using those strengths. Love, peace, and gratitude are my priority, and are essential in my everyday life. 

I just want to reiterate, what we found and works for us, may not work for others.  My first husband was my complete opposite.  For me the saying ‘opposites attract’ ends in a big mess of anger, resentment and bitterness. Opposite just doesn’t work for me. (Don’t worry I’ll get to forgiveness in a later post…it’s very much important). I like being married to someone who is like me. We love spending time together doing everything.  I need to point out however, we are ALL individuals. What works for you could be something completely different than what works for me. That is the purpose of our blog, to point out that we all need to focus on who we are, what we want, and where we want to be. Our love story may look completely different than yours. If we all were the same people with the same story…. what a boring place this would be. We just want people to find the love that fits best for them.